Everything’s got a moral, if only you can find it.

Do you think that’s true? It’s nice to believe when good things happen, that they were supposed to happen because of fate/destiny/karma/etc. But what about when bad things happen? Are they just a predestined? Are they tribulations we must face to learn something about the world or ourselves?

It seems like some people just have it so easy. They have the looks, the talent, the money. Did they just win the cosmic lottery and the rest of us drew the short sticks? Maybe it has more to do with luck. Maybe nothing means anything other than coincidence. There was a while that I firmly believed that nothing in my life happened for a reason. It was just a byproduct of choices I made and choices others made influenced by the things that had happened in our lives. That we truly had free will and that we really could do anything we wanted. Live the American dream and be a CEO of a billion dollar company if we tried.

I feel much less like that now and I don’t think that it’s because it’s not true. It very well may be achievable for me to apply myself to an interest and become talented at it. It may not be that I have no aptitude for math, but rather, I labeled myself as being bad at it from an early age and don’t put effort into trying to master it. When a difficult math problem is facing me, I just throw up my hands and say “sorry, I’m terrible at math” without ever trying.

Trying to find the meaning behind things gives me a sense of comfort. That I had to go through certain hardships to get to the place I am today. That I must have been entitled to the good things that have happened to me because I’m a good person. But then I see how not so great people just seem to get everything they want. It just isn’t fair sometimes when you try so hard for something and just can’t make it happen.

Every day is a struggle for me. I have a hard time making myself get out of bed and face another day. I’m always dreading what bad news the day will bring. I’m a worst case scenario type of person. If there is something that can go wrong, it probably will and I will spend every moment leading up to it worrying that it will. And even if things do happen to turn out right, I have still spent all this time and energy worrying that they weren’t, that I can’t even really be that happy when they do turn around. I shortchange myself from a lot of happiness by focusing on the negative.

I should really be more optimistic. It’s just so hard to keep being denied the things you try for.

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Posted on August 8, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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