You’re thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk.
I have a habit of getting lost in my own thoughts. I could literally spend hours on end doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes, I couldn’t even tell you what I was thinking about because I just feel thoughts with no english words constricting them to definitions. Other times, I just think in random chains of thoughts and end up wondering what it would be like if I could talk to animals.
I tend, more often than not, to go to dark places when I daydream. I’ve had my fair share of difficult experiences in my life and as many years that have passed, I’m still waiting for time to heal all wounds. What a load of crap. Some scars never fade away and you can try to not look at them, but when you do, you can feel that pain again, just as real feeling as the time it happened.
I suppose, at the end of the day, it’s those experiences that shape who we are. So maybe I should be grateful that I have a unique perspective on life. It took me over a quarter of a century to really understand who I am. I’ve never been able to fit myself neatly into one little category of social cliques and that has always made it difficult for me to feel like part of a group. There are things I have in common with or interests that span a wide array of social groups. That might have made me more of a social butterfly, but I’m painfully introverted, so it often left me feeling insufficient.
Maybe it’s because I haven’t had much practice talking to people that I have such a hard time doing it now. I feel more comfortable sending a text than calling a friend and I never leave voice mails. Luckily, I happen to have been born in a time that the Internet and texting is socially acceptable or I would have to be a recluse.
I have had better friendships with people I have never met and keep in touch with via outlets like Facebook or Snapchat than people I would have to interact with in person. I find it easier to express myself through written word than verbally. I usually find myself stumbling over words and unsure of how to keep conversations going. Even with people I’m relatively comfortable with, I’ve always tried to put on my game face and act cooler than I really am.
I over-analyze everything. Somehow, in my head, I can turn a simple off-the-cuff remark into an insult. It’s quite the talent, really. I have to understand what it is that a person wants from me before I can let my guard down, even a little. I want to believe that people are mostly good, but my experience has been that most people are selfish, vindictive hedonists with no regard for others.
So, that leaves me with the question of how to move forward and open myself to new ideas and experiences without keeping myself so guarded and unable to learn and grow. I can’t continue to anticipate the past and expect a different future. I realize that keeping myself so distant from everything kept me from being able to experience a lot of good things, not just shielding myself from the bad.
So, here’s to finding the good in life. It would be a shame if this life is all there is and I ended up spending the majority of it feeling isolated and depressed. I’d much rather be the girl that I am when no one else is around.