Sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast
I try believe in things that seem impossible to believe. I want to be that girl who has her stuff together and living her ideal life. I want to believe that everything will work out fine if I’m patient. I want to believe in two people staying in love for a lifetime. These things are not really impossible, but they seem like such a far away thing to obtain for me.
Love has been a tricky thing for me to define. There’s the love that you have for family, which should be deep as we are told to believe, but I really feel neutral towards most of my family. There’s the love of your child or your pet, I like this type of love the most because it is unconditional and without expectation. There’s loving a friend, which always felt fake to me because I’ve never had a real connection with any of my so called best friends. Not to say that I don’t care about them, I just think “love” isn’t the right word.
Then there’s the most traditional type of love, the relationship love. When you meet someone who you don’t hate and agree to go out with more than once, you develop these feelings for whether you truly know them yet or not. You take some liberties by filling in the places you don’t know how they are about things and you fill them in with whatever good qualities you see in that person often telling yourself that they are a better person than they are.
I’ve been the girl who responded “I love you, too” to boyfriends when I didn’t mean it and I wish I could take it back as soon as I’ve said it. If I told them that I really felt nothing towards them but didn’t want to be alone, it may have been a little awkward. I’ve spent most of the time I’ve been in relationships going through the motions of what people are supposed to do when they are in love.
I thought that those two old people in love were really just good at tolerating each other for a long time and that there was nothing that special about it. Just when I had finished my divorce, had my few girl’s nights out and a slew of terrible first dates with people from dating websites and had pretty much given up on finding something better that what I had found so far, something amazing happened…